Chapter 9 - This Friend / Gossip

made and lost many friends over my teen years, some just lost contact or over a stupid pointless squabble.

for my case i lost a friend i thought i could count on forever because she seems like the sweetest person on earth, but which good friend would tell you to break up with your boyfriend, talk you into hating your brother's future wife and the best part, rat on you in the end of the whole mess.

i did trust this friend, i told her my deepest darkest secrets i hope she keeps it to herself. i looked up to her like my big sister, besides my brother's girlfriend of course. nothing wrong with having too many "sisters" right?

i am not that type that could be friends with just anyone, not saying im high maintenance or something, when i am close to someone, i really treasure that friendship, i will defend them in any way that i can even if my family is against them being my friend (so far not that bad).

so it really broke my heart when at the end of all this, she threw me in the pit to save herself. i spent hours on making her birthday present even if i had my other homework to do , because she mattered. i made my boyfriend apologize to her even he wasn't in the wrong just to make her happy. hell i even wanted to buy for her a $100 necklace for her birthday!

after the ugly ending , i was so heartbroken, i just deleted her msn, delete her facebook and remove her contact from my phone, without saying any word. i found it pointless if i go all "why the fuck did you rat on me i thought we were friends" saga. it will just make it uglier that it already is.

till this day i wonder why,

why she did this to me when i was nothing but nice to her during our friendship. i seriously have no idea what her motive was, i was on her side most of the time so idk.

sigh, but oh well , i just have to move on with life like i already am.

---------------------------------

gos·sip

 

–noun

1.

idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.

2.

light, familiar talk or writing.

i gossip, you gossip, everyone does, even your parents do. its human nature to gossip, no such thing as you dont gossip. if you seriously dont, then something is wrong with you. but some gossip is good gossip, you share your opinions and you get a better idea of whatever the issue is. some are bad, the ones that spoil your reputation to a state people call you names, disgusting names. if you hear a bad gossip from 1 or 2 :1000 people, means only those few sour grapes has issues with that person.

i have my haters too, i definitely know who they are. nowadays i really watch what i say, because the littlest things i say might be used against me, oh god, its like my life is a courtroom. haha.

something i said out of my bimbotic and childish mind of mine got me into almost losing a friend. i was really shocked that the outcome came to this over something childish i said. it wasnt me that took all the blow, but someone i care. i somewhat blamed myself for this to happen. i should've not talk about it at a public place then this whole mess would've happen. i should've waited till i got home then she wouldn't lose the friend she cared about. one of the reasons why i decided to make the two have peace with each other. i can see that both parties still want to be friends with each other on the inside but afraid to show it or to see how the outcome will be like. the friendship i see they had was totally adorable, it would be a total waste if they still want to give it up in the end.

we'll see, we'll see..

Chapter 8 - I Don't Exactly Have It All

i dont have anyone to talk to about this kind of petty issue i have been going through for the past 6 years, so i guess typing it out here would make me feel better.

my brother said that i am the strongest in the family, i get upset for 10-20 mins about something, then smile after that like nothing happened. but this feeling i tried to avoid for the past 6 years keep pulling me back in and thinking about the negativity of, it put me back on solid ground. its really not healthy to me, i might forget about it for months on end, then break down one day, weep randomly, even in public a bunch of times, no matter im outwith fit or alone in the train:

seeing little girls bonding with their fathers.

no im not adopted or born without a dad. i was like any other happy kid who did bond with her daddy as they grow up, father-daughter days on sundays, random pick ups after school then to 7-eleven to get whatever candy i want, secretly buying me toys i wanted that my mum doesnt want me to have, trips to KL and johor to shop out of the blue. i had the freaking time of my life being his daughter, in returned i did well in school of course.

i use to not like my mum that much when my dad was around, she would be really moody and easily ticked off, and constantly fight with my dad behind closed doors or even in public, shooting remarks back and forth till someone snaps and leave (most of the time its my dad) . sometimes i get so frustrated, i leave myself. i would go around wherever i was and reject their calls till i think they cool off.

of course being a child, i sided the one who got me all the pretty things. i didnt see through the "Superhero" status till i turned 14, my mum was living the scariest financial hell because of my dad. whatever a family had as a financial crisis , we've been there , done that. at night i sometimes see my mum crying in the room, but i dont dare ask her about it. she kept mum about it for the past 26 years of the marriage, so that me and my brother could have a normal way of growing up, with a dad.

she use to go to my granny's place (before she passed away in 2006) to pour out her feelings after work or during lunch time, there was a straight bus to my granny's from her office at that time. most of the time she was reluctant to go back to work and even to go home. who wouldnt be?? my favourite scene in will always be my mum chatting with my granny happily in the kitchen. two of the most important women in my life genuinely happy in the same room.

back to my dad, initially my mum gave up and demanded for a divorce. he finally accepted it after a year, knowing he cant take care of me and my brother like he should. but he assured me that even after the divorce, i am still daddy's little girl. father-daughter sundays will still be ongoing. my brother did not take it so well at first, after he seen what my mum gone through, he accepted it and supported my mum all the way with her decision.

the father-daughter days were indeed still on, but only for a month or two then suddenly none, then some super rare meetings when i was 17 then, vanished. out of my life not a sound from him ever again. i bury myself with boyfriends to have that "hero" feeling that i had with my dad. boyfriends i had when i was 16 onwards (even for Fit now really) had a hard time taking care of me emotionally in this department. im not saying my brother was useless, he was busy with nafa and building wormrot to really be there for me at times.

the last time i really heard from him was my 18th birthday, he texted me

"happy birthday princess, papa loves you no matter where he is."

i sighed and deleted the text, not even wanting to reply. it just hurt too much, why only on my birthday he wanted to look for me? just goes to show i wasnt really important in his life comparing whatever the hell its important to him.

-------------------------------------------

my life has seriously turned for the better, my mum is going to get married to her teenage sweetheart this september and he pretty much saved our lives and my future. he got me things i needed for school even this laptop i am using now. if it werent for him, i wouldnt be enrolling in Lasalle this year :)

i am still trying to bond with him, so far so good, we like to exchange candies or i smuggle some for him, he'd buy for me treats or get me the new paper after work and grocery shopping is the shiznitz with him, i can put whatever i want in the shopping cart and he never says no! infact, he'll giggle and ask me to share later on!

he's really a responsible father i've always wanted (more like needed), pays the bills on time, he lives by the rule where loaning is a huge No-No, stocks up the fridge everytime its empty, bring us holiday, 3 times already! bringing our partners along too! btw, if it werent for him, wormrot couldnt go on tour! he paid for my brother's flight ticket and half of the flight ticket for Fit. he totally changed my brother's and Fit's life too, see where they are now :)

but best of all,

he makes my mother smile everyday. my mum has never been this bubbly, fun and adorable when she was with my real dad.

i thank god everyday for giving us a now responsible dad and i accepted the test he gave all of us and made us stronger family than we were years ago. everything happens for a reason, now i know why :)



i can proudly say that i do have a happy family.


Mr Arun Tawin, you are my new Superhero.

Chapter 7 - Im a Poseur?

when im in the shower i like to think about stuff while scrubbing my face silly or washing my itchy hair, i tend to think what to blog about. i had so many ideas but i usually end up ditching it or totally forgot about it when i get on the lappy. but this one particular issue i cannot let go,

people calling me a poseur.

---------------------

i was having casual lunch with a friend yesterday, then my friend , lets call em "O", asked if i know this person called "Z". i answered, yes i do, but we dont really know eachother, the fact that i hanged out with "Z" once or twice before. so i asked "O" whatsup with "Z". then "O" went quiet for a few seconds and replied,

err, "Z" anti you and said you're a poseur.

i went "...". because i didnt have a problem with "Z" at all. we were pretty casual the last time i met "Z" so i was like,
SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????

i also heard people that i thought were my friends calling me a poseur, saying i dont know shit or whatever it is that makes me a poseur in their "spot a poseur" criteria. oh i dont really like them now anyway.

i am mad at the same time, but then, another side of me is like,
"oh, okay whatever, they dont know me that well so why be mad?"

i really, seriously still trying to figure out why they think im a poseur.
not really in an angry way, but curious as to why, where did i go "wrong"?

i dont want to be a typical person going all,

WHY YOU CALL ME A F%#$ING POSEUR HUH??! YOU DONT KNOW ME! IVE BEEN IN THE SCENE LONGER THAN ANY OF YOU ALL! I LISTEN TO METAL WHEN I WAS A FREAKING TODDLER BITCH!!! YOU ARE THE POSEUR! ONLY POSEURS CALL OTHER PEOPLE POSEURS! YOUR GENRE SUCKS ANYWAY!! YOU'RE LAME, FAKE AND GAY! ARGHHH I WANNA KILL SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!

nawh, lets just say i grow out of that stage to care whatever the fxck people think about me,

i only care about what my mum, my dad, my brother, my boyfriend and friends i love to death think.

to make things clear, i respect every single genre.
different people got different taste. i cannot list what genre i like more than the rest, cause i like some , here and there.

but frankly only one genre i cant stand,
techno/trance, no wonder they call it Trance, it gives you a headache to a point you hallucinate.

dont get me wrong, if you love trance go make fireball dance moves on the dance floor for all i care, or them fist pumps like Jersey Shore!!!!! i actually find those guidos and guidettes cool.



well at least they're being themselves.


in conclusion i like alot of things, im quite easy to please, i can like a Lady GaGa song that doesnt make any sense and headbanging to my boyfriend's grindcore drumming variations (hes soooo hot whenever he plays the drums bahhhh) next.

i give up caring what people think of me, every genre has a few sour grapes calling other people fake thats why i quit concentrating on any genre when i turned 18. as long im happy, healthy and still have friends, im good. at least now i know who are my real friends who love me for who i am, not what im into.

in the words of Lady Sovereign's song;

Love Me or Hate Me its still an obsession
Love Me or Hate Me That is the question
If you love me the thank you
If you hate me then
fxck you! :)

Chapter 6 - Exes & Ohs (more like uh oh.)

from what i can remember, i have approx. 4 real ex boyfriends that i did love and care....

BUT

didnt work out. each of them have totally different personalities and taste, but all of them had the same passion at one point of their life or another:

they skate.

i swear to god, i dont go around flirting with boys, im too shy (bahhh). and due to my pretty bad self asteem feeling that im just "ookay" looking , (eventhough my mum tells me im beautiful, but c'mon, which mum would say her daughter is fugly as hell right?) and im that type where i give it a go with every guy who hits on me because to me everybody deserve a chance at love. the problem with me is, im pretty err, easy to get? heh. i fall in love easily, but not stupid enough to fall into the trap of having sex or anything dumb like that.

its always the first 2 months is wonderful, cuddles and laughs and shy pecks on the cheeks and all that mushy wushy teenager crap.

after that i tell you, when they get oh so comfortable and complacent, they show their true colours slowly..

ex 1 suddenly lost interest in me for some "strange" reason
(read on i will reveal why later on)

ex 2 over posessive, he would cry if i dont pick up the phone

ex 3 somehow turning into a friend than a boyfriend

ex 4 had an ego a size of an elephant

but bare in mind, i loved every single one of them all my heart i swear.


so i just overlooked it and see the positive parts of them..



ex 1 would send me to school dead hours in the morning or call me in the morning just to say "i love you" before i go to school

ex 2 he would come all the way to my area just to spend time with me.

ex 3 find way around his school schedule to meet me even if it was just 15 mins.

ex 4 accompanied me at a studio i use to work at till closing every night.


its just that their negative points just came to a point where it drove me up to the wall. enough was enough, easier said.

i am still friends ex 2 and ex 3, we put our pasts aside and just stay nice to eachother, and im thankful for that.

ex 1 strangely m.i.a, literally. i havent spoken to him eversince mid 2008. but i found out why he was distancing himself when at one point of time. it turns out....












fxcker just wanted to get into my pants =_=

OF COURSE IT WAS AN EPIC FAIL THEREFORE DISTANCING!
i was hardcore straightxedge as fxck, i really dont know what gave him the idea he could break me so easily. i will never forgive him, wasted my time on him when i could've been with someone better (and cuter).
thanks alot.

ex 4, heh i dont need to eleborate further, usual readers would know who im talking about. lets just say, he drew the wrong conclusions which made me looked like a whxre and he pretty much would kill me if he could. so yeap, not in talking terms.

-----------------------------

i did went on a date or two but didnt work out due to some circumstances, which one of them turns out to be a true friend who i will always keep and i love to death :) you know who you are.

-----------------------------

OHH HOW CAN I NOT TALK ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND IN AN ENTRY LIKE THIS RIGHT?

heh, we're doing great.
i actually smile when i think of him.



i've never been happier :)

Chapter 5 - get a job, $300 and reconcile

ITS 2010 BITCHESSSSSSSSS!
wow i havent blogged for so goddamn long, kinda miss it, really need to keep doing so or i'll be brain dead, no im not kidding. i have been practically been doing nothing since school finished. nope i dont even have a job. i am trying to find one okay!

have you ever been in a situation where, you see an ad that says "job vacancy available" yada yada outside a shop, so you happily go in and ask , "so i see there's a job vacancy here.." the person would quickly reply, "oh! sorry ah but the position is taken already ehs." i'll be like, "oh, okay, thanks."

...so?

no wait but get this,
you walk past the very same store like a few weeks later, AND THE GODDAMN SIGN IS STILL THERE.

i felt so rejected.
ironically (idk if its the right word to use in this sentence but whatever, fxck about what you think!), all the employees there are,
chinese.

*sniffles*

look i aint racist, but... the shop.... :( my mom told me to stfu about this, saying not all companies are "like that". i guess so, if my friends (other races) could get a job in reputable retail companies, why cant i??

okay enough about jobs, i feel so tired just talking about it.

--------------------------

im sure everyone knows about me winning $300 for getting in 2nd place for this,

heh, funny story, i didnt know that i won at first, i actually thought the site freaking bailed out since their main site wasnt working and shit, so i was like "fxck it lah, i will never win anything, so expected".

so i just when online facebook as usual, and my friend/ex classmate akmal (he god mad design skillz too) congratulated me for winning;

akmal: hey alyssa congrats!

me : huh, about what??

akmal: the design competition..

me : what design competition??
(lost, bimbotic, all the words you use to describe "idiotic")

akmal: ala the one you won 2nd place!!
(idk how he can handle my bimboness, he doesnt take shit really well from people)

akmal: the TEEase design comp..

akmal: go check your email, maybe in your junk folder..

so i did went to check, i went "HOLY SHIT I WON!! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!" my mum was like "what? what is it???" shes use to me screaming like an idiot at home for no apparent reason. "I WON 2ND PLACE FOR THE TSHIRT DESIGN COMPETITION!!" i screamed , literally in her face. "AHHHHHH! MAMA SO PROUD OF YOUUUUU!" my dad, didnt have much reaction, hes pretty calm in every situation. he just went, "wahhhh~" and smiled.

i went back to the pc and replied akmal;

me : omg akmal thank you so much for letting me know! i really wouldnt know sia if you didnt tell me at all!

akmal: =_=

after that he said congrats one more time and i thanked him.
so i went on and on about home im going to spent that prize money, buy loads of seafood and share it with the family, salvation army shopping, johor shopping with fit, yada yada.

but then...


i still dont have my fxcking money =_=

i emailed them the day after the results was posted, my number and address, and still no response up till today.

I WANT MY MONEY CROWNING STROKE! GIMME GIMME! GRRR!

--------------------------

my close friends knew the problem i had between fit and me,

that i actually planned to break up with him.

no no, its not like he was with another girl or something, its was the hardship he was going through that drove me nuts that i couldnt handle the stress anymore. we were fighting on new years eve, we talked everything out with my brother and his fiancee and we're fine now. i just have to learn not to worry too much. me and my drama queen heart.

but thank God (no seriously), everything is turning for the better, fit finally got a job and the Wormrot's going to get the opportunity of a lifetime. i am so proud of fit, maybe the disputes and money lost in the past is going to be worth it in the end afterall :)

Chapter 4 - Him & Them

after all he has done for all of you ,
after all they have done for all of you,

this is how you treat him?
this is how you treat them?

he sacrificed his cpu,
they booked chalet just for us,

he fixed the internet,
they gave money to take the cab home,

he gave his all in the band,
they sent you guys at the airport off to europe,

he keeps me happy,
they keep me company when you guys were on tour,

he treats randomly when he has the money,
they treating you guys chalet once again,

he buys a soft toy for you on your birthday,
they planned a suprise for you on your birthday,

he does silly things to make you laugh,
they make delicious food for you guys,

he is always there,
they were always there,

he does care for every single one of you,
they care for every single one of you,

-wait, do you know who im talking about in the first place?.

hint: they mean the world to me up till this day.
fuck, why the fuck am i crying?

update of chapter 3

yknow what,

FUCK YOU.
GET ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING KNEES AND BEG.

I HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT.

Chapter 3 - im just , eighteen.

its 7am in the morning, raining. if only this happens every morning, i'll sleep like a log and never wake up. apparently not today. i have so much on my mind, sleeping it off earlier in the afternoon didnt do justice. sigh. yknow what, fuck it imma spill it all out.

there's so much i can do in a relationship. i can be there for you 24/7 , answer your call with a sweet tone every single time, answer your smses within a nano second, saying goodnight before going to sleep, every night without fail bla bla bla. you get the drift.

in every relationship, i give a 100% because i feel that everyone deserves to be loved. everyone has feelings.

i hope it also goes the same for the other side.
well at times things just are not meant to work out so it does have to end.

so far my current relationship with fit?

......................................umm.

i dont know?

before my beloved friends/families crack their knuckles, nobody's cheating on anybody.

we love eachother to death till this day.
-------------------------------------------------

here i am looking at the ring i took off, the symbol of our relationship. i never had a couple ring. people dont see it as such a big deal, but i do. i have never had a relationship that made me feel so , old -i mean, mature.

my previous relationships, the issues were always about,

who is dating who
school results
homework
puppy lovey dovey
getting grounded
our phone bill

yknow, those "teenager" kind of shit.

this current relationship consisted of

working life
cpf
home rental
loans
political crap
really adult jokes (which i cant stand)
family ties
saving

really really adult stuff,
what a 25 year old would worry about.

here i am going through this.


i really just want:

whisper sweet nothings and giggle
both broke, but share money buy 70 cents ice cream
see stars but be home by 10pm
trips to salvation army for fun
drink bubble tea and talk about how much we're having fun
go to the beach make sandcastles out of plastic cups we found
read old magazines together
make little stuff toys for eachother

but then,
you have to ditch all your childish ideas of a boyfriend and start to think like their age.

thats what you get for dating older boys,
correction, men.

but c'mon, im just ,
eighteen.

no stfu, i dont want to hear it.
the answer is obvious, but im really begging to differ.




umm..................

time to grow up alyssa?

*.....is that it?*

-----------------------------------------------

[sms this morning.]

Me: Good morning.

Fit: Good morning..

Me: On your way to work?

Fit: At the coffeeshop

Me: Umm okay.. Have a good day at work..

Fit: Thanks..

Me: ... I love you.

Fit: I love you too.

Me: :)

Fit: :D

i am not suppose to talk to him,
but i just cant help it, i had to say i love you every morning.

Chapter 2 - Deluded.

today i want to blog about deluded people, but in short.

you would definately have a friend or two that are deluded in some way. okay i give example;

*Fit's ex girlfriend thinks she has a beautiful voice, but actually she's tone deaf.

or,

*My classmate thinks all the boys are into her, but the boys think she's butch looking.

(*these examples are real sadly)

i had my fair share of having deluded friends, one even almost got me suspended, thankfully i did well in school and they waiver off the suspension. they would brag how good they are and stuff. and you would gossip and snicker with your friends about that deluded person's false self claims. i usually can tolerate deluded people, but it only gets on my nerves when they over do it,
like double combo with bragging, a classmate of mine claimed that she went to New York as a gallery there needed her help. trust me, her work is not even NEAR deviantart quality.

overall, some people are deluded because they maybe have low self asteem and just want to impress people around them or , they really cant see that they really, really suck at whatever they claim to be good at. hmmmm...

as long as they dont BRAG, they're fine with me.

no actually i cannot stand deluded people, seriously.
WAKE THE FUCK UP.

.................................................................................................


what's bothering me currently:

minahs want to rock high waist too

everybody is going salvation army, thus i dont get any good finds as i use to

singaporean bands that talk so much but never go anywhere

IS IT SO HARD TO FIND CHEAP TINTED MOISTURIZER !?

Chapter 1 - Start Anew

i decided to do a blog whereby i write my life, in detail, but leaving the too juicy parts etched in my mind to linger a little longer, a month not blogging made me realised that blogging is not something you use to earn (well for those that do, freaking lucky bastards) but mainly to express your feelings openly to people, hoping people feel your pain, your joy or pleasure, i guess. my blog never made it past the 100 000 hit for the past 6 years (i think) and i filled it with pictures, videos and even songs. i change my blog layout millions of times but i didnt do much , attracting people to come and read a blog written by some nobody teen.



i use to blog my feelings , my day , you know , the regular stuff. as i got older like 16, i went to the wrong direction of blogging. blog for the sake of visits. even if i didnt like the way i blogged, i knew people like the stereotypical type of blogging,



put millions of pictures, everyone loves that.



put gossip, everyone loves that.



blog negatively, everyone loves that.



talk about your exboyfriends alot, everyone loves that.



talk about how you and your boyfriend will stay together forever,

everyone loves to hate that.





and most commonly method used to attract:



b-r-a-g



brag about the stuff you do eg. partying, clubbing,

everyone loves that.



brag that you got expensive shit,

everyone is jealous , but they love it.



brag that you got tons of things to do e.g photoshoots(i tell you this one just pisses me off),

school, work

everyone loves that.



and you love bragging about it,

on your blog.



besides, i can bet you 80% of kids like me today does all of the above some dont realise some really dont do any of this but stay true to the term blogging aka journal writing (i salute you and will still continue to stalk your blogs). im not saying blogging like that is a bad thing, hey it's your choice, your blog , your say :)

to cut it short,
im just "formatting" the way i blog to a more,
mature approach.

i vowed to stop blogging like a bitch,
like i use to burn my last ex boyfriend on blogger, alot.
heee.

time to grow up :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

my back is hurting, my eyes are heavy and the best part, i have not slept at all. maybe im just not use to people sleeping over anymore, my cousin matt is / was sleeping over , and he's still sleeping, literally. his class starts at 8 and here he is snoozing still at 8:24 am, fucking badass. i asked him if he still wants to go to school he said yes, but he went back to sleep, that was 7:00 am, 24 mins before i kinda egged him on to ditch this morning class since its only 3 hours ?

trust me you cant learn shit in 3 hours, cause the 1st hour you'll be settling down, you talk to your friends you killed another hour, break time. you come back to settle down, you talk to your friend a little more and when you finally broke conversation , the teacher stops teaching at the same time, you are left with 30 mins to stare blankly at what you supposedly should learn in 3 hours. first hand experience, thats why i dont go to fridays classes, 3 hours is pure bullshit, especially when you're in design course -dont let me get started on this one.

so im picking up wormrot today at Terminal 1 at noon later, i thought of going there 1 hour early so i could take my time to get some of those sweet ass hershey reeses chocolates. im not taking any chances getting the tiny bullshit ones, i want them bigass peanut buttercups! unless i really can find them that is.. :(

suprisingly im darn good with my money this month, its end of the month and still have $50?? my allowance is a sad (okay its actually not that sad) $150 -excluding ezlink. its a pretty good deal, like its some kind of economical student deal. since im trifty as shit ($10 first hand clothes is like luxury for me), i love going to salvation army to get cheap as hell finds. besides, the money is for a good cause. so what if its a christian organisation, i dont care really, they do good, they deserve good.

fashion well to me, its all about how you creatively present yourself , and it makes people find you unique and interesting, not who you wearing to show how much money you have. i trift. i can find things that are 1/10 the price of a branded clothing, they feel good cause they're seasoned perfectly and they still look good. fashion is fashion, not the label that you're wearing. you should feel good , confident and beautiful in it, not itchy, uncomfortable just because you paid your whole savings on it. what is fashion without confidence , ey?
speaking of which, lookbook time for me. hehee.

thats all for today, i'll blog when i want to, not because i have to. :D